April 6th, 2021

i love people. i hate people. i think about people, but i don't want that.

everyone always pays attention to something ever so trivial. they praise that. and things that truly did require some effort tend to stay in shadows, never to be noticed. yeah, there were some occasions when the opposite happened, but that's a rarity nowadays.

one people try to impress others. why, you ask? for that is interesting. t'is quite interesting to observe the behaviour, the reaction of another person to what you have created. lots of modern things originate from this case - first biases appear. say, one decides to show another that they made someone perish from the Earth; the observer's reaction will surely satisfy the initial impresser, but since it's something so unbelievable and new, abnormal, a deviation from the norm, that is... thus it'll be considered bad from now on; thou shallt not take away another's life.

or the opposite: someone tries to ressurect a person long dead, but it looks so weird that people start to think ill of such necromancer, declaring him mentally diseased and oppressing him. however, passionate people rarely consider all that, since it'd only serve as a distraction from doing what they find interesting. true, true, it's better to just entertain yourself while you still can, yet on the other hand, careless as you are to think of what's to come, the ability to entertain yourself may simply vanish. a paradox: such an ability is invaluable, and yet it's valueless as hell. doing something exciting, one never ponders the fact that they may lose an ability to do that in no time... then why do stuff at all? be thrice as smart as a local genius, you still won't think about the consequences more than you used to, reaaaaally. but if you do have such thoughts... then why immerse yourself with something you may lose? pointless.

so i quit living an interesting life, even though i had no wish to do so. and yet, unconsciously, i still do immerse myself with something... namely, with thinking. i am unable to imagine the sudden disappearance of thoughts, of mind, and what if that's it, they just cannot cease? with naught interesting left to do, thinking remains the only activity for the brain to do. but... doesn't it think on its own? it generates thoughts out of thin air, regardless of what you're busy with, even if you're just lazing around doing nothing... so could thinking be something that cannot disappear? thinking can't be boring, yet it's not what people want; people want to develop their flow of thoughts in something unusual, some specified activity, while usual thoughts are simple thoughts, not directed at anything... so ultimately, thinking's both interesting and boring. it can't replace an activity... can't disappear. but death is inevitable! thoughts are bound to cease upon the brain's death, it'll be the finale, the end. oh yeah? why's that? do thoughts really cease when the end's reached? if any and all interesting activities ultimately lead to death, then thoughts must remain, as they're too abstract, neither interesting nor boring, neither living nor dead... the knowledge of what comes after death is yet to be acquired, but what if there really is something apart from the void out there? perhaps... perhaps the world is thoughts. my thoughts, even. having turned boring, they evolved into something new and hard to comprehend, something that may be interesting to study. but that's a falsity, and this world itself postulates that lies are bad and gross. yet since the world is a tumbleweed of thoughts that spawned out of boredom, then it is bad and gross, too, untrue as it is. then... why imagine the world? why is it impossible to unimagine it? why have the mind's frames grown that hard, with death being the only thing authorized to crush the world behind the frames?